Till Infidelity do us Apart...

“till death do us apart…”

“Marriages are made in the heaven and so are lightning and thunder” goes the saying…

More so now than it was ever in the past, it is steadily becoming difficult to stay in a marriage without any glitches. Try as you may, living a contented life becomes extremely challenging in today’s competitive and aspirational society. Needless to say that a marriage takes a beating as it is badgered by the turbulence of daily life.

As an upwardly mobile, metro centric man faces this challenge at his work and social circle every day, he is soon bound to feel the fatigue and give in to the blatant sexuality he is exposed to all around him. While in a marriage, the intricate nuances essential for staying together can easily be burdensome and drive a couple to stray. Tendency to seek “just sex buddies” is growing. Given the absolute unchecked media proliferation and the so called ‘open society’, the time-honored values and commitment are lost in the glare of the tantalizing outfits and the tempting ‘tuk tuk’ of the stilettos.

“ Statistics bears testimony that today more women are exploring ‘freedom’ and having an affair than a male counterpart… ‘’ adds Dr. Dayal Mirchandani. “this is due to liberal attitudes, commercialization , apart from changing dynamics at work viz. long working hours, close contact with male colleagues, official tours etc…”

This hard hitting truth came as a rude shock to Shweta. A housewife, blissfully married for fourteen years, they had celebrated her husband Ashish’s fortieth birthday only a few days earlier, that the devastating confession followed. The marriage vows; “till death do us apart” et al, was all but forgotten. In an instant an extra-marital affair was threatening to tear their world apart. She could not fathom why Ashish would want to rock a peaceful home life for a meaningless affair. She first though that he was facing mid-life crises. However, she was soon to find out that it was much deeper than that.

Fortunately both Shweta and Ashish sought counselor’s help to make their marriage work. Soon, after a small ceremony of forgiveness and acceptance the past was left behind. Needless to say, their marriage actually blossomed thereafter.

“Sometimes the monotony of a family life can slowly sap a marriage off its romance. Moreover, any kind of unfulfilled desires can drive the spouses to seek love elsewhere.” says Dr.Dayal Mirchandani.

It wouldn’t be out of turn to say that some men begin to find the routine of a married life to be dull and unexciting. They begin to crave for some thrill element or that spark of romance which eventually they have lost. The instant gratification of an extramarital escapade relieves them from putting any effort into their long-standing marriage. The freshness of the experience becomes appealing enough for them to take the risk.

Strangely, contrary to the popular belief, Maryse Vaillant, France’s most prominent psychologist in her controversial book “Men, Love, Fidelity” writes that an extra-marital affair is actually a sign of a healthy marriage!! “Most men don't do it because they no longer love them (their wives), on the contrary," she says. "They simply need breathing space.”

But such was not the case with my friend Shirish, who had an affair and walked out of his marriage, to live on his own!! He was a struggling actor while his wife had a successful career. It was easy to see a fragile ego getting bruised when he said “ I feel defeated…with my being almost a house husband”.

When problems concerning finances, health, loneliness and self-esteem arise, infidelity might provide an instant short-term outlet for one or both the spouses. But like every other problem, an affair only worsens a situation.

Marriage itself comes with its own set of demands requiring effort from both partners to make it work. Forming bonds and tuning in with each other is important for a lifetime of stability and security. Unfortunately today, people have forgotten to build closeness, because there are many things which are tempting them not to do so. With both partners working tirelessly to lead a successful “to-die-for” life, they have forgotten to form a loving and caring union with one another.

But then what is marriage if not an act of thoughtfulness and acceptance. “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes an habit…” Peter Ustinov

A habit which holds true for both, the husband and the wife. When the crucial aspect of thoughtful consideration is missing, marriage begins to fail. Karuna, an otherwise successful professional was a long suffering spouse of a suspecting husband. Frustrated at losing his job, Harshad gave Karuna a hard time. He suspected her of having an affair, which she was not yet he put her thorough a senseless test to prove herself. It needed his friend Ashok’s helping hand to pull her out of the sickening marriage. Once she was on her own, she slowly developed a relationship with Ashok. A shocked Harshad sought help. It helped him realize where he had gone wrong. Today, Harshad is married again and is still in touch with Karuna.

So can anyone have a “happily ever after?”

“Most definitely yes” says Dr Mirchandani

First answer this question honestly “How much do you love your spouse?” “Enough to forgive and forget?” Perfect, its half the battle already won.

Love your spouse daily. Easy at first, difficult thereafter.

Before working on improving the relationship, accept that one of you has slipped up. Accepting one’s mistake is essential for the problem not to arise again. Not accepting one’s mistake only pushes issues under the carpet with a good chance of it occurring again!

Seek help from a marriage counselor at this stage. Use discretion while involving parents. Keep them in the loop, but restrain them from getting involved. Parents get emotional about their children’s future and get blinded by their love for them. In such a situation, sides are taken and the reality is all but forgotten.

Go back to basics….It is but natural that a long-standing marriage, if not kept well tended, could silently collect dust. Therefore, it is important to, every now and then, for the couple to press the “re-start” button. Make an effort to do small special things for each other. Nothing over the top or expensive, just something touching.

Maintain a “You are my Sunshine” diary. Note down at least ten points about each other that you love, what makes you laugh, what makes you both tick. Rush to open it every now and then, especially after you have had a bitter fight! Dwell on each point for at least a minute. The reason for anger will soon vanish ….

Alternatively, every week-end share with each other the issues that would have caused hurt. This is a delicate matter and always advisable to do so in the presence of a counselor. Refuse to be judgmental or form quick opinions.

Viola, Get married again! Invite a few of your friends and close family. Call in a priest to solemnize the relationship once again. A small ceremony of forgiveness and go on your second, third or is it fourth honeymoon? Every once in a while have “Happy Endings”. Such “Happy Endings” idea would work wonders especially in certain cultures and social class that don’t allow divorces.

Share mobiles and also password of your mail id especially when you are trying to overcome an affair. Otherwise how else will you gain trust again?

Underline the word R E S P E C T. Respect each other’s space and lifestyle. You don’t have to love your partner’s family and friends. Just accept them. Conversely, don’t force your choice on your partner. Give each other the freedom with only a minimal amount of expectation. Being sensible is important in any relationship.

True, a wedding is not enough for a marriage to work. One is an occasion; the other a life long journey with its shares of ups and down. So if you have promised to “Love, Honor and Respect thru’ thick and thin…then so be it.”

Spirit of Marriage:

Spirituality in a marriage stems from the couple loving each other and their children. Every married couple who love one another is showing to the world that their marriage is spiritual. The key is to realize this essence of spirituality within your own marriage.

These days, there are many spiritual centers and workshops where spiritual guidance is offered in a very simple and contemporary manner. Fostering spirituality within your marriage helps couple to overcome turbulence in life. It is wisely said that “the family that prays together, stays together”. Family prayer, family meals and such family “togetherness” activities support spiritual commitment.

Daisaku Ikeda, the Buddhist philosopher and the third president of SGI (Soka Gakkai International) very beautifully sums up spirituality in a marriage. He says “…Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. ... Real love is not two people clinging to each other; it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.”

Preeti Kopikar

9820007032